To the man himself—my first gentleman, my first heartbreak, and one of the few reasons why I always put “19” in my college intramurals jerseys (so I could always feel his support behind whatever I do)
Today is November 1, 2025. This All-Souls’ Day, it is a Filipino tradition to visit cemeteries, light a candle, and pray for the ones that passed away. It is also an opportunity for us to remember them. I visited my late grandmother, my late cousin, and my late father. Today, I get to reminisce everything about my father, Lolito—also locally known as “Planet”, especially it’s his 5th year—born June 1970, passed away August, 5 years ago.
I grew up with a broken family. My mother and father
separated when I was 6, and the rest of that is a series of unfortunate events
and honestly, were all a blur. There’s the constant feeling of being incomplete
and being alone. Elementary school took a toll on me when I can’t have my
mother or father in PTA meetings or special events, unlike others. All those
years, we were raised by my aunt and grandmother. I was loved and raised well,
of course, but there’s the element of “at the end of the day, there are still
biases and sadly, no one’s on your team 100%”. I experienced staying with my
father when I was in 5th and 6th grade, then after that,
the rest are back with my aunt, grandmother, and mom. During my stay with them,
there were some memories and had an “okay” time, but still, it feels like I’m
stealing my father from his wife and son, which is odd considering we were the
first and more legitimate. I still didn’t know my place.
I was so young when everything fell apart, so I have no
concrete recollection of how life was like with him. All I knew was we lived
simply and all was well. However, the older I get, the more I also realize the
kind of man he is. He was cheerful, kind, popular, and well-loved in our town
(and has become a Barangay Kagawad at some point when we weren’t around). He was
also remarkable and stands out wherever he goes (I remember very well that when
people find out that we were his daughters, we were recognized right away, sort
of having some of that prestige points just because we were his children). He was
a smart and talented guy too. He’s good at math, he owns a business (which he gets
to maintain for years as far as I know), he does arts and paintings, among other
things.
My mother has told us stories about how he’s a gentler and
more patient parent and teacher than she is to us during our preparatory school.
He teaches us in our homework so well compared to my mother that was stressed
and leads to crying. In fact, she and her family still love him and were close
friends with him despite what happened (that just showed me how he was a nice and
respectful mature man, no awful falling out or bad blood). It came to the point
that I used to think that maybe his only bad quality was that he’s a drunk man
(and all the other reasons that lead to him and my mother separating); there’s
probably more, but I never caught wind on them.
Now in my adulthood, we had a very civil, father-daughter
relationship. He got to somehow financially support my sister when she was
studying in state college. Little amount for her allowance and I still have to suffice,
but still a valuable thing. We get to spend some time with him when we finally
relocated here to the province. My mother is friends with him and his wife. I
think that setup works well, and it doesn’t take too much of my energy. We can
rely on him sometimes when there’s anything we need. He’s someone willing to care
for or help if given a chance. We live in the same small town, so we get to see
and visit each other every day. He understood how little time we have because
we were busy with work and home and never complained of our lapses (at least it
doesn’t show us anyway). He’s a jolly and energetic person so it’s also something
very contagious about him.
Looking at it now, it was saddening how we were almost never
there throughout his sickness up to his death. It’s not just because we were
busy, but also because we don’t know what to do or if we were ready to see him
on his final days. Other than that, there was some sort of an unspoken turnover
of responsibility to his new life with a new family—a family where we no longer
have a place in. What’s heartbreaking is he died almost a month after my sister
and I’s 23rd birthday. Despite being sick, he was able to hold a
simple gathering and help cook food at his place for our birthday.
I remembered July 19th, 2020, the day before my
birthday. I visited him at his place, and he was there when his wife and son
were away for their business. He was sick and just got out of the hospital, so I
thought about paying a visit and seeing how he’s been doing. We had some catch
up, watched TV together, and suddenly, he brought up the plans about our
birthday and how we can just have a simple dinner in his house. All along he
still cares about our day and wants to be a part of it (little did we know it
will be the last time that he will). We agreed, then we spent the rest of the day
massaging his forehead. It was quiet and peaceful, until I must go home (if
only we knew that those quiet hours are the only adulthood memory I’ll get from
him).
Then almost a month later, August 19th, we caught
the news that he has died. It was overwhelming and sad, that I don’t know what
to feel. I couldn’t cry at first, but I felt so devastated. Could that be
because we were never there for each other for most of our lives? Was that
because I had only little of an attachment to my father? I don’t know. All I
knew was that I grieved, and it all felt heavy, but it was not obvious that
people may think it’s just another day for me. I can see his wife sobbing and his
son all sad all throughout and wonder why I can’t be just that. I am also losing
a part of my life, and I may have taken him for granted while he was alive.
Despite everything, he was still a kind and supportive man to us.
Few years have passed; I learned to get over grief and move
on. He’s a very cheerful and funny man that he’ll probably hate seeing his girl
all broken because of his passing. It was easy to heal because he was nothing
but a nurturing person. There’s still a little grief here and there, but it
less heavy and I can now make humor about it. His wife also doesn’t really
require us to do something and be involved but rather invite us on his death
anniversaries (that we rarely have time to attend), and she’s also close
friends with my mother now. I go to the cemetery sometimes when things happen
and I need someone to talk to.
If I’m being honest, I used to hate my father, or at least I’ve
resented him. Maybe it is because he was never around, and we felt that he didn’t
even try to find us, and maybe just escaping the responsibilities of further
raising us as we get to high school and we’ll need his support more than ever.
But now that I’ve gotten older, I am now considering that there might be nuances
and reasons beyond us. I think I’m no longer interested in the details, he’s
dead and it won’t change anything as I have forgiven him for it. Besides, if he
and my mom ended up on good terms, why wouldn’t I? In fact, my mom has told us
that they made a pact that whoever dies first, the other one looks after their
family, and I think we now know the resolution to that.
The thing is, he would’ve been so happy and proud with
whatever we get to do now—his two eldest girls doing extremely well in college
and having good jobs; only a father could dream. Sure, there might be some
topics of conversation on why no one picked up an engineering program like he
did or accountancy like my mom’s. But the thing is, none of us picked up their
math prowess, but rather their genes may have given us a headstart so that our brain
can be capable of excelling in things we do best. Besides, he’s also an
art/painting guy, and we may have got those creative interests in ourselves. Heck,
maybe he’ll also step-up and be more supportive than ever.
"We may have been so distant, and we’ve never been together
for most of our lives that I may not fully feel how were you as a father to me
or how was I as a daughter for you. One thing is for sure, you will always be
remembered as a good man and I hold onto that as I navigate this life."
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