Monday evening, while I'm getting myself all set for my first day of class tomorrow, I took a quick pause and thought to myself...
It's real... I'm really coming back, am I?
Can't believe that I finally made it—with barely a fight. My first year feels like yesterday and now I am entering my third year; one more year to go and there will be a degree under my name. But since I paused a semester, I really need to push myself back into the game; re-developing my productivity habits, re-engage with people I have never seen for quite some time, and realigning my headspace overall as I'm returning in an environment and culture that I haven't been in for a while, especially that things most likely changed drastically since the last time.
My past few months, even if I say that it was well and I have been working hard on me, there's still the constant struggle of it all, in which I felt it more last month. Things just keep happening and keeping up feels like a chore.
As when I was struggling to recoup my finances these past few days (school dues, duh), I did the unthinkable and something I never thought I will do—borrowing money from my boss. I'd rather not go into specifics, but it really shows how desperate I was, and I was so thankful that they were so kind and understanding. It also made me reflect on how I was not so responsible with settling my past dues. Hopefully, (and I would love to work out on this better), I wish to develop a more intentional habit of paying my dues. I may not show it, but I do hate when my racked-up balances feel like a liability not just for me but for the people around me.
Speaking of which, July has been a month that felt like a sharp knife for all the reasons—and you bet the financial aspect is a major one of them. Given that it's also my birth month, July was barely nice to me, at all. Everything is fine; there were highs, and my birthday is the best ever. But I was not something we can say that is in a good state around that time.
I got so tired and exhausted. Who would've known what juggling 3 jobs that are all in creative nature to some degree really does to a barely creative person? Not only that, I almost quit one of them because of payment delay for almost 3 weeks that put a strain in our household expenses. To think of it, working for money while not receiving the money you worked for in time kind of sucks the motivation to work hard, like what's the point? They even said that they like what I make, and I produce quality work, so what's the hold back on my pay? Anyways, I think that is the story for another day. It was resolved later on and they promised to do better with my pay.
The point is, I had no significant amount of money for quite some time. My other jobs did suffice for some everyday expenses and other bills, but I was short on rent and bigger, which I had to borrow from family members (which I hated because I know they have their own financial struggles too—we are not a family that has extra cash lying around after all). Overall, it took a bad hit on our budgeting and living costs, which is kind of unfair because why exert effort if I always stress about money; instead of just thinking on how I can make my work better, I also think about where to get money these next few days.
At some point I also felt some form of imposter syndrome. I was having thoughts that what if I'm not meant for creative work and I don't want to do creative work anymore. I want to take on administrative and organizing work—something that will be easier for me to manage with only half of my brainpower.
Also, the weather was so hot, and my house was not very comfortable to work in and do anything ever during the day—even sleeping. Nighttime was still hot but a bit tolerable. The large windows are so bright and allows the sun's heat to come in that it also makes it impossible for me to sleep in during the day or wake up late. I sometimes wake up with only 4 hours of sleep, which we all know that the lack of sleep doesn't really mix well with anxiety. Water is also hard to come by. Oh well, these are on me really, and I have less plans on moving out soon (still not ready for the change of environment, money situation, moving, etc.)
It also didn't help that my partner was temporarily unemployed, so I have to carry so much of the stress as I crawl both of us for the meantime. It's also around the time that enrollment period opens soon, so I was not so sure where to pull that one out or what's next for me. I secretly paused a semester so that means if I continue pausing, everyone will get caught on and be upset with me—which is the least I wanted to do. I want to be understanding and keep an open mind, but it doesn't make life better apparently.
There are also the other smaller things, which feels like a "piling up until it feels heavy" situation
Now, August started on a good note. I rest easy knowing I am enrolled. I had my hair dyed a shade of purple. My partner started a hotel job, and it seems like it's working out well for him (hopefully). Just a bit more patience and trust and we will both capable on getting back of our feet in less time. My 2 jobs are well, and the other one I took a week off which I just returned this morning. I'm still figuring out options for me to work better and comfortably.
I am looking forward to being a bit more intentional with what I do—not best nor perfect, just intentional. It just feels like there's less pressure and expectations that way. I want to do more, not in a way that because I have to, but because I believe I can—and I will be more satisfied with myself if I did. I want to make use of my potential more in both my studies and work; again, not because I have to, but because I know that there's so much more for me that makes it so fulfilling for me. Less on pleasing the world but more on standing my ground and making myself happy. May universe help me with all these...
Comments
Post a Comment